I’ve spent all night playing the new Grand Theft Election VIII and it’s the most exciting First Political Shooter since the original Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore. I don’t want to ruin the game for you, but it’s just so huge that there’s enough game play to last until August…or June, in case your Mom and Howard Dean come into your room and tell you to stop playing.
With all the hype, you’ve heard the basics of Grand Theft Election VIII by now — you duck sniper fire, attempt to control superdelegates and do whatever you need to do to win the election. Here are my favorite missions….
Loose Cannon – This is where the fun starts — as Hillary Clinton. You can literally do or say anything you want – switch accents, change your biography from state to state, and even change the rules as you go along. It’s really exhilarating — the first time you realize you can run up to the Straight Talk Express, grab John McCain from the driver’s seat, throw him to the ground, and then actually hijack the bus to run over Barack Obama while your character cackles wildly in 7.1 surround sound. That’s when you understand what politics is really all about.
Whack Judas – Playing as Bill Clinton, you get a tip from a very realistic avatar of James Carville. (Insider sources say they reused the Golem avatar from the Lord of the Rings video game.) You pilot Revenge Force One to New Mexico where you track down Gov. Bill Richardson, who has grown a beard to disguise himself. When news cameras catch you beating Richardson over the head with a churro, you must angrily point at the camera and deny that you hit him or that you were ever in New Mexico. Bonus points if you can convince reporters that Richardson was actually playing ‘La Raza’ card and that Richard was hitting YOU in the hand with a churro.
Operation None Of Your Business – In this short episode, you are Chelsea Clinton. Avoid reporters, students who ask difficult questions, and being treated like an adult who is shilling for a political campaign. In this mission, you don’t kill anyone; your goal is to get journalists fired.
Reject, Denounce, Fillet – The gameplay moves to North Carolina and Indiana, where you play as Barack Obama. When two months of rejections and denunciations aren’t enough to disassociate yourself from Rev. Wright, the only way to satisfy the press is to slice him up with a machete in a prime time Fox News special hosted by Flavor Flav and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Strategy Hint: Go for a quick kill and you lose because Sean Hannity says you didn’t show Commander In Chief strength by drawing out the pain. Take your time and you lose because Sean Hannity says you were indecisive. Best solution: take out Sean Hannity first.