The mainstream media and political pundits have properly spanked Barack Obama’s confusing Presidential Primary campaign. He simply hasn’t closed the deal, appealed to white working class voters, shown us that he’s a regular guy, or been sufficiently entertaining. I’d like to join the chorus of literally dozens of voices that are now calling for Barack Obama to get out of the race and go back to doing whatever it was that he did before he hogged the spotlight from Hillary Clinton.
In the meantime, we can look back and imagine the campaign he could have run if he just knew more about politics.
February 7: After controversial remarks by wife Michelle Obama, she is suddenly replaced on the campaign trail by Jessica Simpson. Obama announces a national initiative for women to “just sit there and smile.”
February 20th: With reports that the primary in Texas is a possible win for him, Obama buys several cowboy hats and a small ranch just outside of Buda, Texas–a small town north of San Antonio. He invites the press and photographers out to watch him clear brush and toss cow patties around with his children. Controversy about the ranch’s location erupts when an email campaign suggests “Obama is secretly a ‘Budist’ and that’s pretty damn close to Muslim, I think.” Obama sells the ranch and buys another one near Lubbock, which seems more on the up and up.
March 13: Concerned that he is losing support from key demographics such as White Ethnic voters, Older voters and Willfully Ignorant voters, Obama asks the press to stop referring to him as either African-American or mixed race. He asks that from this point forward he be referred to as White Plus!
March 25: As some critics question Obama’s foreign policy experience, he begins to tell a story several times on the campaign trail where he claims to have fought Al-Queda “his entire life” including stating, “Back when I lived in Indonesia, I used to go hunting Al-Queda with my friends Biggs and Wedge every day with rifles we bought using our allowance money,” and claims to have personally “bagged Osama Bin Laden” at a hunting trip in Montana in late 2005. When these reports are proven false and it’s revealed that Biggs and Wedge are minor figures from the first Star Wars film, Obama initially claims that “Star Was was based on me” until he is finally forced to admit that he was “real tired from lots of basketball and helping people so it’s possible I mistalked” but continues to defend the “essential almost realness” of his statements.
April 12: On a tip from Barack Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright is taken from his bed at 3am by a federal SWAT team and never seen again.
April 24: Trailing badly in the delegate count, Obama begins hinting publicly that “the big states” shouldn’t count. “I am fighting for the people — the real America, the little states. We don’t need to be beholden to states like California and New York that look down their noses at the regular ole’ po’ folks like you and me.” Critics are critical of his use of the word “beholden” and a speech writer is fired. On Morning Joe, David Axelrod suggests that August may bring a floor fight at the convention to discount the votes of California and New York or “whatever states subtraction leads us to .”
April 29: On CNN, Obama states America doesn’t have any problems that can’t solved “by opening a can of whoop-ass”. In the same interview, he also threatens to ‘kick the hummus’ out of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and breaks several chairs.
May 8: In a last ditch effort to capture the nomination, Barack Obama legally changes his name to Bob O’Patriot.