It’s July! According to conventional wisdom, July is the stupidest month in politics, if you don’t count any of the other months. So the big kerfluffle is right now is over whether Mitt Romney should release more than two years worth of his tax returns. The liberal media establishment are circling like personal injury lawyers around Lindsay Lohan’s car, hoping to force Romney in an embarrassing admission that he’s rich. Meanwhile, passionate arguments are swirling on the right over what Mitt should do. The editorial board of the National Review says Romney should release them, whereas Dana Loesch makes the compelling argument that compromise with the MSM is the sure road to defeat. This should be easy to resolve, since Dana Loesch is scientifically proven to be hotter than the entire editorial board of the National Review will ever be in the whole history of from the beginning of time to the end of forever, and yet — debate lingers in the air like the wafting breeze on a cool Michigan evening after Michael Moore has left Baked Bean Casserole night at the Flynt K. of C. hall.
Obviously, what is needed here is my genius.
So, I present to Mitt Romney a number of suggestions that allow him to safely straddle all three sides of this important issue that is so vital to America’s future.
- Romney tells President Obama that he will release his taxes if Obama immediately releases convicted cop killer and the left’s favorite journalist Mumia Abu Jamal. This will completely confuse Obama and also give Romney the all important Mike Farrell vote.
- Romney calls an earlier morning press conference and announces he is releasing twenty years of tax returns for Teresa Heinz Kerry.
- On Facebook, Romney announces a contest: whoever guess the exact amount of taxes he paid in 2008 wins either a Chevy Volt or the remaining assets of Solyndra.
- Romney delivers ten years of tax returns to the White House, stored inside a dog. President Obama is given a fork and steak knife and then has to prove how badly he wants those dang returns.
- Romney promises he will release his returns as soon as President Obama turns The Cayman Islands into America’s 51st state.
- As diversionary move, Romney announces his choice for Vice President: Willie Nelson.
- As a desperate, last ditch diversionary tactic, Romney announces he is now a polygamist and introduces a stunned press corps to Ann Romney’s new “sister wife”: Willie Nelson.
That ought to hold everyone until August.