President George W. Bush and Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain were legally married in a small ceremony at the apartment of ‘a close friend’ in West Hollywood, California late Tuesday night. The wedding came on the heels of California becoming the second U.S. state to legalize same sex unions. The ceremony was presided over by California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who wore his camouflage military outfit from the film Predator in order to ‘not appear too fruity’, Schwarzenegger aide Julia Rodriguez stated.
McCain Communications Director Jill Hazelbaker said in a prepared statement, “Once again Senator McCain has shown he’s a maverick who is willing to take a bold stand based on principle. This marriage will certainly highlight the differences between the President Bush and Senator McCain. We hope all Americans put aside partisan differences and will join us in wishing both the President and Senator McCain the best as they begin their honeymoon by drilling for oil together off of the coast of Catalina Island.”
A reportedly ‘devastated’ Senator Joe Lieberman could not be reached for comment.
Republicans insiders speaking off the record expressed a mixture of confusion, anger and arousal at the turn of events. A defiant President Bush remained firm in his stiff opposition to gay marriage despite the throbbing controversy among huge members of Congress who hardened their positions and threatened to whip out every tool at their disposal into order to stop Republican politicians from thinking about penises all the time.
“This is a same sex marriage, not a gay marriage,” said President Bush at an impromptu press conference in front of The French Quarter Restaurant. “I am not gay even one little tiny bit and I remain opposed to gay marriage. I know the press likes to play ‘Gotcha!’ with this sort of thing so I’m going to be real clear about this — Senator McCain and I will not be having any sort of gay sex with each other.”
When pressed on the question of having sex with the president, McCain was non-committal but said he ‘would support whatever decision the president made.’
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