On the campaign trail and discussing his statement that the U.S. will be out of Iraq by 2013, John McCain really said,

“It’s not a timetable; it’s victory. It’s victory, which I have always predicted. I didn’t know when we were going to win World War II; I just knew we were going to win,”

Luckily, we have found John McCain’s diaries from the early part of his life.

August 29, 1936: My friends, I have been born. Here in the damp air of Panama, I punched my way out of Mother just a few short minutes ago. I sense trouble brewing all across Europe, however. Nothing America can’t handle, though.

February 11th, 1938: Despite what I’ve said in the past, I am now fully committed to keep on pooping in my diapers for as long as needed…possibly another year, maybe another 20 years, maybe a 100.

February 12th, 1938: Some of the other children in the neighborhood informed me that in a 100 years I would, in fact, likely be pooping in my diapers. They also mocked me when I said that the Sino-Japanese war is a going to be a big winner for America.

December 6th, 1941: Five years into my life and already some people doubt me when I say that we’re going to win World War II. They try to tell me that the U.S. isn’t even fighting in World War II, yet that makes me want to pummel them with my little hands. That kind of defeatism doesn’t fly around the McCain household, especially when Dad’s had a few. As for those who want some sort of magic date of when exactly we’ll win, I say…”Shut up or I’ll pummel you, c&#t!!!” Mom doesn’t like it when I say that to her.

April 15th, 1942: I have named my Little Red Wagon “The Straight Talk Little Red Wagon”. I don’t know why, really. I have destroyed four other little red wagons I’ve had, usually when I’ve been hopped up too much on birch beer. Some people seem to think that we should quit in WWII. Actually, now that I think about it, almost nobody thinks that. But I disagree anyway. That’s what I call straight talk. Damn that fifth birch beer! Time to drive…

September 10th, 1944: Worst day of my young life so far. One of the other kids at school is a horrible bully and he’s made my life a living hell. I decided to run against him for student council and he spread lies about me all over school. He said that I was too young to be elected, that I was crazy after being traumatized by a vicious game of dodgeball, and that one of my imaginary friends was a negro. Because it’s a bunch of stupid eight-year-olds who believe anything, he trounced me in the election. I think I will become his best friend and then hug him in the cafeteria. I didn’t vote for him, though. HA! Also, World War II seems to be going well.

September 2nd 1945: I won World War II!