I really don’t. I’m going to try and explain a couple earlier posts of mine. Talking about one’s own spiritual beliefs makes one sound goofy or nutty or self-delusional. That’s one’s fear anyway. (In this little equation one = me.)
So, here’s what I hope is a concise version, but it’s still long. I was introduced to Ayn Rand’s ideas when I was about 15 years old and for about fifteen or twenty years, I considered myself an Objectivist / atheist / libertarian. I didn’t believe in God or anything like that because I didn’t see any proof. Then some things started happening around the time that one of my best friends, Paul Montgomery, died suddenly. There were a whole bunch of things related to his death that were just really weird – things he’d told me, things preceded his death. It’s a lot of stuff but one quick example is that he’d talked to me about how he wasn’t afraid of dying just a couple of months before in a conversation that struck me as very out of place. It was weird to the point that I mentioned it to Lauren at the time.
Paul And Me: December 1998
When He Was Alive And I Had Long Hair
I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can say it’s coincidence and I certainly would have thought that myself if it hadn’t happened to me. There’s a lot more to it and it all adds up to it certainly not seeming like coincidence to me. Believe what you want but personally, I started seeing a lot of things that seemed a lot like proof of what I saw no proof for before. In the past six or so years, those things have continued. And my politics have changed, too – I’m a more leftist economically although still very libertarian socially. I’ve mentioned this stuff in the past on my blog and if I ever get the archives posted, it’s pretty obvious.
I don’t believe in a giant bearded God who lives in the sky and says ‘Thou Shalt Not’ a lot. My beliefs now are a sort of Unitarian Universalist Deist Buddhist. I believe that there’s a certain flow to the universe and that sometimes it talks to you. I don’t exactly know what I believe beyond that.
This has led to some cognitive dissonance on my part. I used to be able to explain exactly what I believed while standing on one foot. The past few years, not so much. So, I’ve been thinking about all of that lately and trying to reconcile my current beliefs – as scattered as they may be – with my previous beliefs. For months now, I’ve felt like two people in an ever-so-slightly shattered and confused sort way
So, there’s an attempt to explain my cryptic posts a little more. I’ll talk about the things that have made me feel a lot less confused in another post.