It’s Web 0.0 at its failest when each year the world’s most unpopular bloggers gather. This episode’s profile: Christian Bi Bear Celebrity Exercise Blogger Pastor Rich!
HOLLAND, MICHIGAN — Speaking to a packed auditorium presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama announced that he intends to nominate Illinois Senator Barack Obama as his vice presidential running mate. Candidate Obama praised Senator Obama’s judgment, energy and commitment to change in announcing what he called ‘the dream ticket that’s such a dream that you keep hitting the snooze button just to keep on dreaming it.’
“Choosing a vice president is the first major decision any candidate makes and I’ve spent several months trying to choose somebody with a resume, intellect and temperament that I respect. It’s become clear that that person is Barack Obama,” said Barack Obama. After a wild ovation, Obama gave a full throated endorsement of Obama while maintaining that selecting Obama was Obama’s first move in selecting a ‘cabinet of rivals’ which many Washington insiders suspect could include a nomination of former Illinois state senator Barack Obama for Secretary of State or the selection of best selling author Barack Obama for Attorney General.
“Yes, we have differences; take our positions on NAFTA, ” said Obama. “Consider Senator Obama’s strong and principled opposition to the bill that gives immunity to telecom companies; the very bill that I’m about to vote in favor of this coming week. Or contrast my own deeply held faith with Senator Obama’s respect for science.”
“So, we’re one — but we’re not the same,” said Obama as Obama nodded in agreement. “Senator Obama often quotes the beautifully reasoned lyrics of Neil Peart from the Canadian power trio Rush; ‘The differences leave room for you and I to grow.’ To put it another way, I like to quote Sly Stone; ‘I want to thank you faloettinme be mice elf agin.'”
Responding quickly, Republican presumpter John McCain quipped that “Obama and Obama seem to be running for Barack Obama’s first term” and then proceeded to chuckle at his own comment for an amount of time that several observers called “uncomfortably long.”
Here’s my latest comedy piece. Judging from the comments on The Huffington Post, it seems like the comedy was lost on a lot of people.
When he introduced articles of impeachment against President George W. Bush last night on the floor of House of Representatives, Dennis Kucinich may have been many things — brave, idealistic, and thorough — but he was also wicked boring.
I’m talking to you, D-Man. Yes, you pointed out all the ways that the Bush administration has trampled on the constitution but where’s the sizzle, Dennis? Where’s the catch phrase? (Suggestion: “Impeach THIS!”) Where were the Abu Ghraib Dancers? Couldn’t you at least get your wife on camera in the background pretending to listen to you while sitting next to a shirtless Matthew McConaughey? (And really — is there any other kind of Matthew McConaughey?)
Nope. We get five hours of Dennis Kucinich on C-SPAN turning pages and drinking water late at night. It was the dullest representation of America’s slow slide in fascism since that Upton Sinclair Lewis book that the hip teacher who listened to the Beatles and smelled like stale weed tried to make us read in high school.
Contrast that to another speech the same day that acted like Nerd Viagra — Steve Job’s announcement of the new 3G iPhone. Across the Geekasphere, sites like Twitter and TechCrunch and Engadget blew their fuses as each new feature was announced. That’s what you needed, Dennis. Here’s my advice.
Have Steve Jobs introduce iPeachment 08.
You and Jobs have stuff in common. Like you, Jobs is on some suspicious vegan diet and on stage yesterday he looked thinner than the new iPhone. Unlike you, Jobs knows how to work a crowd. Visuals. Pacing. It’s marketing, Dennis.
You had thirty-five articles of impeachment. Way too many. Reduce it to ten impeachable offenses and make one of them compatibility with iTunes. Give each article a colorful icon.
Reduce the cost of iPeachement 08. Previously, Bush would have been kicked out of office for his numerous offenses against the nation. Now, we’ll make him go back on Deal Or No Deal. No, wait — that’s an NBC show so it’s not on iTunes. We need a Disney show. Maybe put him on Wife Swap and make him shack up with Michelle Obama for a week. There will be fist bumping a’plenty after a bleary eyed W calls Michelle “Condi” over the breakfast table!
And be sure to have Jobs point out that just like the unconstitutional wiretapping of Americans, iPeachment 08 is also brought to you in partnership with AT&T.
(The comment thread on DailyKos about this piece is crazy…)
According to numbers just released from a unique Clinton campaign sponsored ‘entrance poll’, today’s primary does not look promising for presumptuous Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama.
“West Virginia voters fit squarely with the Clinton demographic; hard working, white voters whose deep seated racism and superstition makes them believe the most outlandish and bizarre lies that they’ve heard”, said Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson . He continued, “I don’t want to generalize because there are some college students and unlucky, miserable smart people who are desperate to move to someplace – any place – better before their souls are ground down. Other than that, we’re solid, though.”
The Entrance Poll is given to voters as they enter the voting booth, unlike the more traditional Exit Poll which Wolfson says is given ‘after it’s too late’. The Clinton campaign says voters who give correct answers are allowed to vote and also given an assortment of Little Debbie snack cakes.
Who understands the issues facing West Virginia voters?
Woman With Kinfolk In Arkansas : 64 %
What’s His Name. Osama Something. You Know, The Black Guy. : 34%
Who has more experience?
Experienced White Woman : 62%
Black Man Who Wants To Kill White People : 35%
Who makes a stronger leader?
Nice Lady Who Looks Like That Mom On The Brady Bunch : 64%
Man Who Looks Like Boogie Man From Your Childhood Nightmares: 30%
Who would you want marrying your sister?
Barack Obama : 20%
I Am Married To My Sister : 80%
Most Important Issue In Election
Not Electing That Muslim Dude: 30
President Should Not Have Weird Name : 28
Reversing Extensions Of Copyright Act That Benefit Entertainment Companies But Stifle Creative Innovation : 22
But Seriously, The Email Said He Was Muslim : 10
Getting More Little Debbie Snack Cakes : 5
The mainstream media and political pundits have properly spanked Barack Obama’s confusing Presidential Primary campaign. He simply hasn’t closed the deal, appealed to white working class voters, shown us that he’s a regular guy, or been sufficiently entertaining. I’d like to join the chorus of literally dozens of voices that are now calling for Barack Obama to get out of the race and go back to doing whatever it was that he did before he hogged the spotlight from Hillary Clinton.
In the meantime, we can look back and imagine the campaign he could have run if he just knew more about politics.
February 7: After controversial remarks by wife Michelle Obama, she is suddenly replaced on the campaign trail by Jessica Simpson. Obama announces a national initiative for women to “just sit there and smile.”
February 20th: With reports that the primary in Texas is a possible win for him, Obama buys several cowboy hats and a small ranch just outside of Buda, Texas–a small town north of San Antonio. He invites the press and photographers out to watch him clear brush and toss cow patties around with his children. Controversy about the ranch’s location erupts when an email campaign suggests “Obama is secretly a ‘Budist’ and that’s pretty damn close to Muslim, I think.” Obama sells the ranch and buys another one near Lubbock, which seems more on the up and up.
March 13: Concerned that he is losing support from key demographics such as White Ethnic voters, Older voters and Willfully Ignorant voters, Obama asks the press to stop referring to him as either African-American or mixed race. He asks that from this point forward he be referred to as White Plus!
March 25: As some critics question Obama’s foreign policy experience, he begins to tell a story several times on the campaign trail where he claims to have fought Al-Queda “his entire life” including stating, “Back when I lived in Indonesia, I used to go hunting Al-Queda with my friends Biggs and Wedge every day with rifles we bought using our allowance money,” and claims to have personally “bagged Osama Bin Laden” at a hunting trip in Montana in late 2005. When these reports are proven false and it’s revealed that Biggs and Wedge are minor figures from the first Star Wars film, Obama initially claims that “Star Was was based on me” until he is finally forced to admit that he was “real tired from lots of basketball and helping people so it’s possible I mistalked” but continues to defend the “essential almost realness” of his statements.
April 12: On a tip from Barack Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright is taken from his bed at 3am by a federal SWAT team and never seen again.
April 24: Trailing badly in the delegate count, Obama begins hinting publicly that “the big states” shouldn’t count. “I am fighting for the people — the real America, the little states. We don’t need to be beholden to states like California and New York that look down their noses at the regular ole’ po’ folks like you and me.” Critics are critical of his use of the word “beholden” and a speech writer is fired. On Morning Joe, David Axelrod suggests that August may bring a floor fight at the convention to discount the votes of California and New York or “whatever states subtraction leads us to .”
April 29: On CNN, Obama states America doesn’t have any problems that can’t solved “by opening a can of whoop-ass”. In the same interview, he also threatens to ‘kick the hummus’ out of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and breaks several chairs.
May 8: In a last ditch effort to capture the nomination, Barack Obama legally changes his name to Bob O’Patriot.
I’ve spent all night playing the new Grand Theft Election VIII and it’s the most exciting First Political Shooter since the original Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore. I don’t want to ruin the game for you, but it’s just so huge that there’s enough game play to last until August…or June, in case your Mom and Howard Dean come into your room and tell you to stop playing.
With all the hype, you’ve heard the basics of Grand Theft Election VIII by now — you duck sniper fire, attempt to control superdelegates and do whatever you need to do to win the election. Here are my favorite missions….
Loose Cannon – This is where the fun starts — as Hillary Clinton. You can literally do or say anything you want – switch accents, change your biography from state to state, and even change the rules as you go along. It’s really exhilarating — the first time you realize you can run up to the Straight Talk Express, grab John McCain from the driver’s seat, throw him to the ground, and then actually hijack the bus to run over Barack Obama while your character cackles wildly in 7.1 surround sound. That’s when you understand what politics is really all about.
Whack Judas – Playing as Bill Clinton, you get a tip from a very realistic avatar of James Carville. (Insider sources say they reused the Golem avatar from the Lord of the Rings video game.) You pilot Revenge Force One to New Mexico where you track down Gov. Bill Richardson, who has grown a beard to disguise himself. When news cameras catch you beating Richardson over the head with a churro, you must angrily point at the camera and deny that you hit him or that you were ever in New Mexico. Bonus points if you can convince reporters that Richardson was actually playing ‘La Raza’ card and that Richard was hitting YOU in the hand with a churro.
Operation None Of Your Business – In this short episode, you are Chelsea Clinton. Avoid reporters, students who ask difficult questions, and being treated like an adult who is shilling for a political campaign. In this mission, you don’t kill anyone; your goal is to get journalists fired.
Reject, Denounce, Fillet – The gameplay moves to North Carolina and Indiana, where you play as Barack Obama. When two months of rejections and denunciations aren’t enough to disassociate yourself from Rev. Wright, the only way to satisfy the press is to slice him up with a machete in a prime time Fox News special hosted by Flavor Flav and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Strategy Hint: Go for a quick kill and you lose because Sean Hannity says you didn’t show Commander In Chief strength by drawing out the pain. Take your time and you lose because Sean Hannity says you were indecisive. Best solution: take out Sean Hannity first.