Senator Clinton Proposes Department of Goalpost Relocation

At a rally outside a medical supply discount store in Clearwater, Florida, Democratic Presidential Wishful Hillary Clinton announced she would create a new federal agency called The Department Of Goalpost Relocation, whose specific task would be to keep track and re-configure the U.S. government’s justifications for doing whatever it wants to do.

“The Bush administration has given us a variety of reasons for the war in Iraq, from weapons of mass destruction, to fighting terrorism, to not wanting Muslims to think we’re a bunch of wussies”, Clinton said. “For the most part, Americans have listened to the changing explanations, chewed gum, and switched the channel to see what’s up on The Hills. Now, it’s time for a change in leadership, and my primary campaign has shown that I am clearly the candidate most likely to be able to make stuff up as I go along.

“In this campaign, I’ve changed the standards from the delegates to the important states, to the popular vote, to counting votes from elections I agreed wouldn’t count, to my new suggestion to the Democratic rules committee that only votes cast by and for a woman should count. I have shown time and again that President Bush’s policy of making up reasons for things wasn’t nearly as effective as it could have been.

“Millions of hard working folks across the country have become comfortable with a government that has changing goals, shifting standards and bizarre, often pathetic, excuses to justify any and every course of behavior. While I oppose President Bush on policy matters, he and I both agree that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. At this perilous point in history, Americans should not be burdened with an abrupt, sudden consistency.”

Clinton paused to sip water for a moment while a visibly ruddy Bill Clinton yelled “Anarchy!”, then rushed into the crowd and pushed over the first three rows of startled elderly people sitting on folding chairs, and then leapt back onstage and spun the podium 270 degrees so Senator Clinton was facing an empty wall. She smiled and waved at the wall for a moment before continuing.

“While John McCain has does admirable work by changing his opinion on everything from tax cuts for the rich to abortion, he simply hasn’t gone far enough. I won’t even mention my Democratic opponent’s position because I’m trying to remain positive, plus I hate him so much,” said the senator. “Needless to say, he seems to believe in rules before people, especially when those people are women, and especially when those women are me.”

Senator Clinton then spit.

John McCain’s World War II Diary

On the campaign trail and discussing his statement that the U.S. will be out of Iraq by 2013, John McCain really said,

“It’s not a timetable; it’s victory. It’s victory, which I have always predicted. I didn’t know when we were going to win World War II; I just knew we were going to win,”

Luckily, we have found John McCain’s diaries from the early part of his life.

August 29, 1936: My friends, I have been born. Here in the damp air of Panama, I punched my way out of Mother just a few short minutes ago. I sense trouble brewing all across Europe, however. Nothing America can’t handle, though.

February 11th, 1938: Despite what I’ve said in the past, I am now fully committed to keep on pooping in my diapers for as long as needed…possibly another year, maybe another 20 years, maybe a 100.

February 12th, 1938: Some of the other children in the neighborhood informed me that in a 100 years I would, in fact, likely be pooping in my diapers. They also mocked me when I said that the Sino-Japanese war is a going to be a big winner for America.

December 6th, 1941: Five years into my life and already some people doubt me when I say that we’re going to win World War II. They try to tell me that the U.S. isn’t even fighting in World War II, yet that makes me want to pummel them with my little hands. That kind of defeatism doesn’t fly around the McCain household, especially when Dad’s had a few. As for those who want some sort of magic date of when exactly we’ll win, I say…”Shut up or I’ll pummel you, c&#t!!!” Mom doesn’t like it when I say that to her.

April 15th, 1942: I have named my Little Red Wagon “The Straight Talk Little Red Wagon”. I don’t know why, really. I have destroyed four other little red wagons I’ve had, usually when I’ve been hopped up too much on birch beer. Some people seem to think that we should quit in WWII. Actually, now that I think about it, almost nobody thinks that. But I disagree anyway. That’s what I call straight talk. Damn that fifth birch beer! Time to drive…

September 10th, 1944: Worst day of my young life so far. One of the other kids at school is a horrible bully and he’s made my life a living hell. I decided to run against him for student council and he spread lies about me all over school. He said that I was too young to be elected, that I was crazy after being traumatized by a vicious game of dodgeball, and that one of my imaginary friends was a negro. Because it’s a bunch of stupid eight-year-olds who believe anything, he trounced me in the election. I think I will become his best friend and then hug him in the cafeteria. I didn’t vote for him, though. HA! Also, World War II seems to be going well.

September 2nd 1945: I won World War II!

West Virginia Entrance Polls Spell Trouble For Obama

(The comment thread on DailyKos about this piece is crazy…)

According to numbers just released from a unique Clinton campaign sponsored ‘entrance poll’, today’s primary does not look promising for presumptuous Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

“West Virginia voters fit squarely with the Clinton demographic; hard working, white voters whose deep seated racism and superstition makes them believe the most outlandish and bizarre lies that they’ve heard”, said Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson . He continued, “I don’t want to generalize because there are some college students and unlucky, miserable smart people who are desperate to move to someplace – any place – better before their souls are ground down. Other than that, we’re solid, though.”

The Entrance Poll is given to voters as they enter the voting booth, unlike the more traditional Exit Poll which Wolfson says is given ‘after it’s too late’. The Clinton campaign says voters who give correct answers are allowed to vote and also given an assortment of Little Debbie snack cakes.

Who understands the issues facing West Virginia voters?
Woman With Kinfolk In Arkansas : 64 %
What’s His Name. Osama Something. You Know, The Black Guy. : 34%

Who has more experience?
Experienced White Woman : 62%
Black Man Who Wants To Kill White People : 35%

Who makes a stronger leader?
Nice Lady Who Looks Like That Mom On The Brady Bunch : 64%
Man Who Looks Like Boogie Man From Your Childhood Nightmares: 30%

Who would you want marrying your sister?
Barack Obama : 20%
I Am Married To My Sister : 80%

Most Important Issue In Election

Not Electing That Muslim Dude: 30
President Should Not Have Weird Name : 28
Reversing Extensions Of Copyright Act That Benefit Entertainment Companies But Stifle Creative Innovation : 22
But Seriously, The Email Said He Was Muslim : 10
Getting More Little Debbie Snack Cakes : 5

How Obama Blew It

The mainstream media and political pundits have properly spanked Barack Obama’s confusing Presidential Primary campaign. He simply hasn’t closed the deal, appealed to white working class voters, shown us that he’s a regular guy, or been sufficiently entertaining. I’d like to join the chorus of literally dozens of voices that are now calling for Barack Obama to get out of the race and go back to doing whatever it was that he did before he hogged the spotlight from Hillary Clinton.

In the meantime, we can look back and imagine the campaign he could have run if he just knew more about politics.

February 7: After controversial remarks by wife Michelle Obama, she is suddenly replaced on the campaign trail by Jessica Simpson. Obama announces a national initiative for women to “just sit there and smile.”

February 20th: With reports that the primary in Texas is a possible win for him, Obama buys several cowboy hats and a small ranch just outside of Buda, Texas–a small town north of San Antonio. He invites the press and photographers out to watch him clear brush and toss cow patties around with his children. Controversy about the ranch’s location erupts when an email campaign suggests “Obama is secretly a ‘Budist’ and that’s pretty damn close to Muslim, I think.” Obama sells the ranch and buys another one near Lubbock, which seems more on the up and up.

March 13: Concerned that he is losing support from key demographics such as White Ethnic voters, Older voters and Willfully Ignorant voters, Obama asks the press to stop referring to him as either African-American or mixed race. He asks that from this point forward he be referred to as White Plus!

March 25: As some critics question Obama’s foreign policy experience, he begins to tell a story several times on the campaign trail where he claims to have fought Al-Queda “his entire life” including stating, “Back when I lived in Indonesia, I used to go hunting Al-Queda with my friends Biggs and Wedge every day with rifles we bought using our allowance money,” and claims to have personally “bagged Osama Bin Laden” at a hunting trip in Montana in late 2005. When these reports are proven false and it’s revealed that Biggs and Wedge are minor figures from the first Star Wars film, Obama initially claims that “Star Was was based on me” until he is finally forced to admit that he was “real tired from lots of basketball and helping people so it’s possible I mistalked” but continues to defend the “essential almost realness” of his statements.

April 12: On a tip from Barack Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright is taken from his bed at 3am by a federal SWAT team and never seen again.

April 24:
Trailing badly in the delegate count, Obama begins hinting publicly that “the big states” shouldn’t count. “I am fighting for the people — the real America, the little states. We don’t need to be beholden to states like California and New York that look down their noses at the regular ole’ po’ folks like you and me.” Critics are critical of his use of the word “beholden” and a speech writer is fired. On Morning Joe, David Axelrod suggests that August may bring a floor fight at the convention to discount the votes of California and New York or “whatever states subtraction leads us to .”

April 29: On CNN, Obama states America doesn’t have any problems that can’t solved “by opening a can of whoop-ass”. In the same interview, he also threatens to ‘kick the hummus’ out of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and breaks several chairs.

May 8: In a last ditch effort to capture the nomination, Barack Obama legally changes his name to Bob O’Patriot.

Photo copyright Matt Wright