Senator Clinton Proposes Department of Goalpost Relocation

At a rally outside a medical supply discount store in Clearwater, Florida, Democratic Presidential Wishful Hillary Clinton announced she would create a new federal agency called The Department Of Goalpost Relocation, whose specific task would be to keep track and re-configure the U.S. government’s justifications for doing whatever it wants to do.

“The Bush administration has given us a variety of reasons for the war in Iraq, from weapons of mass destruction, to fighting terrorism, to not wanting Muslims to think we’re a bunch of wussies”, Clinton said. “For the most part, Americans have listened to the changing explanations, chewed gum, and switched the channel to see what’s up on The Hills. Now, it’s time for a change in leadership, and my primary campaign has shown that I am clearly the candidate most likely to be able to make stuff up as I go along.

“In this campaign, I’ve changed the standards from the delegates to the important states, to the popular vote, to counting votes from elections I agreed wouldn’t count, to my new suggestion to the Democratic rules committee that only votes cast by and for a woman should count. I have shown time and again that President Bush’s policy of making up reasons for things wasn’t nearly as effective as it could have been.

“Millions of hard working folks across the country have become comfortable with a government that has changing goals, shifting standards and bizarre, often pathetic, excuses to justify any and every course of behavior. While I oppose President Bush on policy matters, he and I both agree that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. At this perilous point in history, Americans should not be burdened with an abrupt, sudden consistency.”

Clinton paused to sip water for a moment while a visibly ruddy Bill Clinton yelled “Anarchy!”, then rushed into the crowd and pushed over the first three rows of startled elderly people sitting on folding chairs, and then leapt back onstage and spun the podium 270 degrees so Senator Clinton was facing an empty wall. She smiled and waved at the wall for a moment before continuing.

“While John McCain has does admirable work by changing his opinion on everything from tax cuts for the rich to abortion, he simply hasn’t gone far enough. I won’t even mention my Democratic opponent’s position because I’m trying to remain positive, plus I hate him so much,” said the senator. “Needless to say, he seems to believe in rules before people, especially when those people are women, and especially when those women are me.”

Senator Clinton then spit.

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *